You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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