She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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