girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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