It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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