So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
