Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
