Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
