My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
