She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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