I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
