i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh god it's open bar.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
