mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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