Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
