is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
this boner is exhausting
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You took a bar mat shot.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
