When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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