his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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