I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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