if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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