update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
