I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
