You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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