The maid of honor just puked.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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