Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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