About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
how does that bad decision feel?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
