I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
