This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
organizing the empties. That sober.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
