I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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