Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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