Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
