____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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