the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
