Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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