What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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