you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize