I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize