i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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