everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
