you would pick up someone in the library
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
