Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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