I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
