Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
