I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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