just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
