wat bout pragnant strippers??
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
