got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
