Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
