He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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