If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
