please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
