Define "chronic" masturbator.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
