do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this will be a night to untag.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
