turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
