if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
