i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
